A happy black woman with red hair

I am a mom, a wife and a business owner. I’m always on the go. From keeping the house running to my kids’ activities and work, it’s pretty busy around here. 

And while it’s good that our lives are busy and productive (and I would not want to change my active lifestyle), it is only good if we are managing our stress levels effectively and moderately.

Moms are amazing women who don’t want to let themselves down or their families for that matter, this makes it more difficult to get clear about your own needs.

But we have to get clear if we are going to live, love and parent in ways that don’t deplete us.

How I got clear about my needs

Identify Your Core Values

If you don’t know your core values, how can you communicate them?

Core values are the fundamental beliefs that guide your decisions and actions. They are the principles that you believe guide the world. They are what you stand for, and they often have a moral or ethical component. You know what your core values are when they come to mind without hesitation.

If you can’t identify your core values, it’s time to work on this part of yourself. It’s not easy, but it is essential if you want to be happy in life and relationships.

My first step: find out where these beliefs come from. Who taught them to me? What experiences in life have shaped them? When did I first realize that these beliefs were important?

I use the Next Chapter Values workbook whenever I feel like I am losing my grip on what is important. You can find the link below and try it out for yourself.

 

Core Values Are a Guiding Light

Once we understand our core values, we can use them as guidelines for making decisions about our lives. 

For example, if my core value is “family”.  This means I make decisions based on how they affect my family members.

 If I am faced with an option between two coaching slots for a client, the one slot is on a Saturday morning and the other a Friday, I will pick the Friday. On Saturday mornings is when my eldest son has his school sport.

 And so even though Friday evening is a schelp, it makes sense to choose that slot over Saturday. 

 

Simialarly, if you have a choice between two jobs, and one will pay more but needs more time and the other pays a little less but closer to home. If your core value is family, then you will go with the job that is closer to home because it affords you the opportunity to spend more time with your family/

 

Or if your core value is “health,” you may choose a job that offers flexible hours so that you can exercise more often or eat healthier foods.

Once we understand our core values, we can use them as guidelines for making decisions about our lives. 

For example, if my core value is “family”.  This means I make decisions based on how they affect my family members.

 If I am faced with an option between two coaching slots for a client, the one slot is on a Saturday morning and the other a Friday, I will pick the Friday. On Saturday mornings is when my eldest son has his school sport.

 And so even though Friday evening is a schelp, it makes sense to choose that slot over Saturday. 


Simialarly, if you have a choice between two jobs, and one will pay more but needs more time and the other pays a little less but closer to home. If your core value is family, then you will go with the job that is closer to home because it affords you the opportunity to spend more time with your family/

 

Or if your core value is “health,” you may choose a job that offers flexible hours so that you can exercise more often or eat healthier foods.

Identify Your Core Needs

mom coach consultant

It sounds like the same thing but it is not. When you figure out what your current core values are, this can inform your current core needs. 

For example, if my current core value is family, this will inform the need I currently have to spend more time with them. I can then communicate this need to my family, friends and colleagues/clients. 

It is important to remember that not everyone will understand your needs. That is not their job, it’s yours. All we can hope for is that people respect our needs.

 

If your current value is to increase your visibility at work, then this will inform what you need at the moment. 

This may be spending more productive time at work. Get clear on how long that timeframe will be and then communicate this to your family. Tell them in detail what you need from them during this time.

How I started being clear...

Be honest with your core values

My second step: Be honest with myself. 

Once you have your core current values clear, this will inform the needs you currently have.

 And this will inform whom you need to speak to about the needs you have.

Be Honest About Your Needs

mom coach consultant with son

If you need more time to spend on your career, be honest about that. Figure out exactly how much time you need. Work out what it will look like for your family during this time.

 

For example, if your career needs you to spend more time at the office, recognise what that means for your family. 

It may mean you are no longer there to cook their meals, or you leave earlier and can no longer take your kids to school. 

 

These are big changes and will require someone else to step up. 

You need to get clear on who that person will be. If you have a partner, have a conversation with your partner and see if he/she is willing to stand in the gap. If you can afford it, you can pay someone during this time to take on your duties. 

When I needed to upskill through an intense course. I sat my husband and kids down and explained what I needed from them. 

 

On paper it was a no brainer, the implementation can be tricky, at first, but press on.

Create Boundaries That Honour Your Needs

I will tell you from experience that even after communicating your needs and working out a plan for the way forward, as a mom, your family will TRY you!

 

So you NEED to create and uphold boundaries around your needs. 

 

And your family will keep overstepping your boundaries not because they don’t care about you, but because you have made it easy for them for so long. It will take time. So give them and yourself grace.

 

If you have clearly communicated the boundaries and have made a plan for a way forward then all you have to do is restate your boundary and the plan. 

It Can Take Time

Mom, I am not going to lie to you, it can take time to get clear about what your true current values are. 

When we become moms, our whole life seems to revolve around our children, and we cannot fathom needs that don’t have our kids in mind.

I urge you to take time to go through THE NEXT CHAPTER VALUES workbook. It is short and it will help clear the fog.

Key Take Aways

  • Get clear about your current core values
  • Figure out your current core needs
  • Be honest with yourself and those around you
  • Create a plan for your needs to be met
  • State and uphold your boundaries
  • Be ready to re-state boundaries and the plan.
Please Share

Are you ready to find a coach and live your best life? If you found this helpful or know a mama, who desperately needs to breathe, please share this post with them. 

Until next time

THE RESET

Are You Ready?

If you are ready to get to the nitty gritty of what you need to move forward and how you can communicate that to the people around you, then I welcome you to join The Reset.

 

The Reset is a 12 weeks email course, with eight Zoom accountability sessions, designed for the mom who is ready to live out her goals while parenting in a meaningful way.

Mandisa Avutia mom coach core values

NLP Mom Coach

Mandisa Avutia is a stay-at-home mom, turned award-winning author, speaker, certified neurolinguistic programming practitioner and mom coach. She helps moms who are stressed and overwhelmed by work and parenting, gain clarity and integrate their lives without the mom guilt. Avutia's coaching focuses on the mother as an autonomous person first and guides her into integrating her life in a way that supports her goals and her parenting.

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