Mom Guilt is a Lack of Perspective
My mom guilt and a lack of perspective aha moment!
Carrot Cake & Coffee Dates
A few months ago I was out having some melt in your mouth, tickle your throat spice all-round delicious carrot cake and some cappuccino. I often take these sole dates, because WOW, HELLO, motherhood is a trip!
Mom Guilt Creeps in...
As I was sipping and savouring my well-deserved carrot cake, I noticed I wondered if I should take some cake for the kids. This stopped me dead in my ever-racing thought tracks!
I realized even during ME time my kids took up space. So I decided, NOPE! I will not be sharing this slice of heaven as if that made my quality time more real.
As soon as I made that decision, the mom guilt spiral began, “What kind of mother doesn’t want to share with her kids?” and, “No one forced you to have kids, you chose this, so you better always be on!”
It is not about the cake!
The spiral when all the way to the basement. And well, what hits rock bottom either stays there or begins the climb back up.
I was riddled with mom guilt because I did not truly believe I need time away from my kids. But this felt untrue. I am the beacon of ME time, I value alone time so much I need to be called out of it.
I dug deeper and as you may have guessed, this was not about sharing cake. It was about sharing ME. But sharing me ALL. THE. TIME.
Values in conflict
It hit me, I value alone time and I value my children. What is important here though is: What was the story I was telling myself about each value?
My kids as people I value
The story I was telling myself here is that valuing my kids means being around all the time. It meant being a skip and hop should either of them yell, “Mom!”
The story was, that a mother is always there. And I guess my belief system took that LITERALLY! And being away, even to fuel created conflict internally.
My value of alone time
I grew up not needing to ask for alone time. I was alone pretty much a lot of the time-well me and my books and imaginary play- kept me out of people’s hair.
But I used to be so scared of being alone that when I was old enough to have friends I wanted them around all the time. And then this extended to boyfriends later on. A MESS!
In varsity, I then made a promise that I would only be with people when I ACTUALLY want to be and not as an escape. It took a long time for this to stick.
Finally Grasping It
When I finally grasped the concept of enjoying my own company, I had become a mother. And so the idea of being a great mom and needing alone time took me for a spin! My two values were competing for my all or nothing stance.
I had to re-evaluate my values and what each meant now that life is different from when I first created them.
The AHA Moment
I began to build a different story. This story has helped with all mom guilt! Yes, all of it. When I realised mom guilt was a lack of perspective and a consequence of not examining your base beliefs, it set me free!
The New Story
I asked myself: How valuable are you to your kids when you are drained and because you are drained you are then annoyed and then you yell or hide?
What is the message your kids are getting about how you feel about them?
So, the decision was to merge the values. To tell my brain that alone time was in service of my kids and the family as much as it was for me. The very best part was watching my kids understand this and use it in their lives.
A Slice to-go!
When I finished crawling my way up the mom guilt spiral staircase, I asked the waiter for an extra slice to go. It was never about cake!
But about understanding that in honouring myself, my needs, my feelings and my wants, I honour the people I value the most.
To Wrap Up!
Mom, it is so easy to fall into the being everything to everyone all the time, trap! I get it. Consider, that maybe you just need to evaluate what your own base beliefs are? And readjust. Those who love and value you will thank you for it. It gives them permission to honour their needs too.
Join me for the Next Chapter Values Free Workshop!
In this workshop, you will get a chance to see what your true values are and what values have you inherited and never evaluated.
You will gain the following:
- Clarity about what currently matters to you.
- A way forward to help you live a more congruent life
- See what you need to throw out!
- A community of moms who are seeking the same peace.
Register below and receive a notification and meeting link when we go live! See you soon xx
I assist hardworking moms who battle with self-doubt so that they can live and parent from their most authentic place. I coach a mom from where she is in her life to where she would love to be. Self-doubt creeps into every areas of our lives and so no issue is too insignificant. To book your discovery call click the button below and let's meet!